The Haka

Dear Pamela,

Once again my boyfriend, Charlie, is angry with me. All I did was point out that the Haka, Cibi and such were childish. I simply felt that ancient tribal warfare challenges should be confined to more appropriate places, such as the school playground. I am quite sure that such antics on the international sports scene demean our country; they show us for what we really are.

I agree with him that in days gone by, when international rugby tours were rare, such customs

were quaint and somehow acceptable but now they are hackneyed and inappropriate. I understand that the English RFU were considering responding to the Haka by performing a Morris Dance but declined for two reasons. Firstly, they could not afford to buy the bells and handkerchiefs. Secondly, they felt it would be wasted on the intellect of the average antipodeans; they would not get the joke. The Aussie’s idea of a boomerang throwing exhibition was considered to be far too dangerous.

I do love Charlie but I am in an impossible situation. How can I keep him without cow towing to this nationalistic nonsense?

Yours in desperation,     Jeanie

Dear Jeanie,

If you want to keep Charlie you are going to have to change your attitudes; you must simply act appropriately; after a while you might find that you like it. During the Haka stand with an awed glaze over your face and emulate adulation. At the end of the Haka jump and cheer as though you have seen an artistic performance of extreme merit and then settle back, with your beer, into your armchair with a smug self satisfied look; a deep sigh helps at this point.

During the game get out of your chair from time to time and engage your friends in close facial contact. Shout in their faces to display your knowledge and love for the game. Here are some expressions I have heard in the past which you may find helpful. “Look at that stupid bunch of POMS” : ”Shirt-lifting Aussie bastards” : ”Mountain climbing, coal digging, Welsh perverts” etc.

One last thing, we never lose. Either the referee is blind and biased or the opposition cheated. Often we can trace the roots of one of the opposition back to NZ and then we can blame him. This is known as the ‘America’s Cup’ syndrome.

I do, however, advise extreme caution, for to enter into crowd behavior of this sort can be pervasive and if not carefully handled you might find yourself becoming extremely bigoted.

Should you act out these parts convincingly I am sure that you will find yourself in Charlie’s loving arms again.

Good luck, Pamela