The Games

This year, the games went off quite well. There were no instances of terrorism and no allegations of bribery in any form what so ever. In fact, Upper Middlewap could look back on their organisational efforts with pride. Of course, there were still a few scroungers dressed in some remote villages’ sports uniforms trying to get a free pint at the local. However, they were soon sent packing when the landlord finally discovered that the games had indeed finished and that all the official participants had left the area.

It is not to say that everything was perfect. There were a few unsavoury incidents. One, which comes to mind, was the assault on the referee when he disqualified the local hero in the egg and spoon race. He claimed that the egg was glued to the spoon. This fact could not be verified for, during the melee, Jan Stewer’s dog did grab the egg and eat it. There was also the little incident when Hamish McTavish claimed that Jock Campbell was using a lighter caber than the

other competitors.

Apart from this the games were incident free, although some suspected that Truro’s John Trefithsick was using snuff as a stimulant prior to the tug of war.

Upper Middlewap, in the Cotswolds, had been specifically chosen for this years games for not only does it proudly lay claim to an excellent cheese rolling hill but it also, and this is rare, has a perfect stream over which to hold the East Anglian speciality event of leaping the brook whilst climbing the pole.

Unfortunately, the Eton Wall Game was abandoned halfway through the final. This was due to the calamitous destruction of the sole remaining pig’s bladder.

The outcome of the games was as to be expected with those canny Yorkshiremen copping most of the gold medals. There are those who claim, however that this was a shallow victory as the Isle of Mull’s single gold gave them a greater number of gold medals per capita.

Perhaps the most poignant moment of the games was when the competitor representing Much Haddem finally completed the ‘up the hill dash with the three sheep’ event. He arrived when everyone had retired to the pub. However, a late-night twitcher (bird watcher) photographed his arrival. He was using one of those new-fangled cameras, which place a date and time on each exposure. This meant that he could record the heroic deeds of Dan Bludger who is now a bit of a folk hero.

Perhaps the spirit of this year’s games was best captured at the closing ceremony when the local squire passed on the games standard to the vicar of Puddlewash with these words. “Us do give ee this yer flag for you to keep safe for the next four yers. Then we do call upon they young sportin fellers to gather at your place once more in the spirit of sportsmanship”

The vicar replied thus “It’s right glad that I can look forward tu’time four years hence when t’village of Puddlewash can see all t’young lads again”. There upon, thirty-six Yorkshire goddesses performed a heart-warming dance to “Ilkley moor ba’t’at”. It being a cold damp night the firework failed to go off.