My England

Dear Pamela,

My boyfriend, Harry, wants me to leave Fiji and go, with him, to England; he seems to think that life would be better there. I don’t want to go because, for a start, I don’t like the cold and the support we get from my extended family here would be a great miss. The nuclear family seems very cruel to me. He says that mobility of labour is necessary for a vibrant economy. I think that this idea is just an excuse for the institutions and companies to make young people with young families dependent on their paternalistic patronage. So we disagree.

I am sure that I could make him happier here in Fiji with the support of my extended family but he won’t listen; I have run out of arguments. Maybe you could suggest an approach which may bring him to his senses?

Thank you,

Mare

 

Dear Mare,

If you really want to keep Harry in Fiji you are going to have to handle this matter delicately.

The English are so proud of their self-reliance and view their ability to do ‘better’ than their parents as being a lifelong crusade. Really, it is just an excuse to deal with their inherent insecurity. Their upbringing, affording them little love, causes them to create an inflated sense of independence. Hence, they leave their families with deep psychological issues; the Americans even consciously learn to be assertive.

Somehow, you will have to undermine this drive. You must make him want to experience the security of a loving extended family. Take every opportunity to point out the benefits that you derive from the closeness of your Uncles and Aunties. Make sure that he understands that his life would be so much more difficult if you were not surrounded by your brothers and sisters. Point out every occasion that you are afforded free transport, free baby-sitting, free gardening etc. etc. Perhaps you could ask him if he really wants to spend his dotage in an old peoples’ home.

I promise you that you are in for a long campaign, but I am sure, should you win, that both your lives will be considerably enriched.

Good luck,

 

Pamela